tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047900042385397529.post880501608578817159..comments2024-02-04T19:09:17.679-08:00Comments on BB: The Love LostBrightenedBoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04140255969796496082noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047900042385397529.post-20462099610924904212011-09-01T20:29:44.375-07:002011-09-01T20:29:44.375-07:00I'm glad I came back far enough to read this. ...I'm glad I came back far enough to read this. I really wish I had answers for you, I don't. I have to say that it sounds as if she has some mental issues that might need medication? Possibly years of drugs and alcohol did something to her brain? Obviously she lacks the ability to "mother" or the compassion to see outside of her own issues. I would say that the odds of her changing without some form of treatment or counseling aren't good. It is good that you recognize her for who she is, but it makes me sad because I think all children just want to feel loved by their parents, no matter how old they get. <br /><br />As for cutting her out of your life...sometimes you have to do that with people. Sometimes you can just accept things as they are and stay in touch. I think you should examine how you would feel if she were to die and you never saw her again. Would you care? If not, there really is no bond for you. If there are feelings there-maybe you should stay in touch with her. I am sorry that this is how it is.Suehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03190096917851087676noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047900042385397529.post-1452488596950881952011-08-31T07:48:27.637-07:002011-08-31T07:48:27.637-07:00Brigindo: What you said about love being an action...Brigindo: What you said about love being an action more than a feeling is so insightful. I've reflected on it often in the weeks since I first read it.BrightenedBoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04140255969796496082noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047900042385397529.post-84387538334936191082011-08-04T20:54:09.537-07:002011-08-04T20:54:09.537-07:00Thinking, thinking....
First, you're an adult...Thinking, thinking....<br /><br />First, you're an adult now. Sad as may be, you no longer need her to parent you. Plus, she really didn't before, so it is futile for you to expect more from her now that you're grown than you got from her when you really needed her support. <br /><br />You survived without her parenting during the time you needed it; you can live without it now that you are an adult. <br /><br />Second - you are stronger than she is. Although I can understand your longing, you are better equipped to care for yourself than she is. She doesn't even seem to be able to care very well for herself. <br /><br />Third - live and let live. Just as she isn't responsible for you, you don't have to be responsible for her. She is responsible for her own troubles. It doesn't reflect on you, and you do not need to resolve them.<br /><br />Fourth - You can afford to be compassionate to her. You can distance yourself from her without hurting her. You don't need to tell her "the truth" - it wouldn't reap any positive results for you and would only hurt her. So don't. It won't teach her anything and would only hurt her. <br /><br />Fifth - If distancing yourself from her would be a good thing for you, just do it. But don't twist the knife by "telling her the truth". What good would that do her, or you? Just live your life. Don't invest in her, but don't shut yourself off from her.<br /><br />Sixth - be compassionate within limits. If she needs the affirmation of knowing her son is a happy, successful person, give it to her. If she needs a yearly Christmas card or a monthly phone call - give it. It's not hard. Set your limits, but be generous within those limits.<br /><br />Seventh - someday when the time is right, just listen. Pretend she's not your mother, but a neighbor. Or someone you're interviewing. Or a patient or a client. Let her tell her story to you someday - it may not be possible for another forty years, but be open to that.<br /><br />I am 56 years old and have an interesting relationship with my mother. It's generally quite good, but there are areas where what you are writing about resonates with me. My mother has left me bereft in many ways, but sadly, I, too have left her on occasion. I'm trying to forge a stronger relationship. I have - hopefully - begun to find my balance. You will find yours.<br /><br />Finally - just live your life. You have learned that knocking at this door (Anne) doesn't give you what you need, so stop doing it. Find the love elsewhere - and also give it.<br /><br />You're very wise and mature beyond your years, BB - I really admire you and also I feel for you. <br /><br />Sometimes we have to build the families that nurture us outside of our biological families.<br /><br />Bless you, BBGlennishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03681336164718681936noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047900042385397529.post-69543919142977130702011-08-03T17:57:02.502-07:002011-08-03T17:57:02.502-07:00The part that struck me the most was at the end wh...The part that struck me the most was at the end when you said, "I will never be able to accept or love her." I just don't think you should rule out the possibility of loving and accepting her, no matter how terrible she is.Anonymously Mehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13606894565323688191noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047900042385397529.post-24189903167031220132011-08-03T16:08:31.370-07:002011-08-03T16:08:31.370-07:00To me, love is an action not a feeling. It includ...To me, love is an action not a feeling. It includes respect, nurturance, caring, warmth, trust and honesty. There are also strong emotions associated with it (both positive and negative) but the emotions don't define love. I agree with jo(e), it sounds like she is not capable of giving you what you need but she may be giving you what she can. If you can't respect/nurture/care about/trust etc her, than perhaps it is best to put some distance between you. I'm also not one for never or always. What we feel and experience at one time in our lives can be quite different with a new context.Brigindohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05499279435958916161noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047900042385397529.post-35309768258981848532011-08-03T12:40:05.493-07:002011-08-03T12:40:05.493-07:00She doesn't sound like someone capable of givi...She doesn't sound like someone capable of giving you what you want or need. I'm so sorry.<br /><br />Hugs.jo(e)https://www.blogger.com/profile/01488562158252331555noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047900042385397529.post-80211804133218075382011-08-03T10:58:05.953-07:002011-08-03T10:58:05.953-07:00She sounds, frankly, like a not very likeable pers...She sounds, frankly, like a not very likeable person. <br />I doubt anything you say could really change her or make her feel regret for her behavior. Sounds like you have to be the one to rise above. When you interact with her, don't think of her as a mother who is going to empathize and guide you. Think of her as a lost soul with whom you are acquainted. Lower expectations = Fewer disappointments.laura b.https://www.blogger.com/profile/15086009761943858915noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047900042385397529.post-47439819400314550692011-08-03T08:20:55.167-07:002011-08-03T08:20:55.167-07:00I'm thinking maybe I should clarify what I mea...I'm thinking maybe I should clarify what I meant by the "focus is on me" bit, since you both mentioned it. <br /><br />I don't mean to say that I'm a small child and that we oughtn't to talk about anything pertaining to her. I am, however, a young adult, not yet established, and still in need of comfort and guidance. In no way am I an adult in the sense that a woman in her late forties is an adult. <br /><br />So while I don't feel our relationship should be one sided, I do feel that priority should go to me, in this instance. <br /><br />I consider Thomas a close confidant and ours is a fairly equal relationship, but when there is priority it goes to him.<br /><br />Different things are appropriate for different people.BrightenedBoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04140255969796496082noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047900042385397529.post-8749703247951521252011-08-03T03:33:48.401-07:002011-08-03T03:33:48.401-07:00I don't see why she can't understand her r...<i>I don't see why she can't understand her role with me. She is my parent, and therefore when we interact the focus is on me, in the same way that when I'm home I allow the focus to fall on Thomas and Pie.</i><br /><br />What? No. You're both adults. There is no 'focus'. It's a mutual conversation. With a child, sure, you focus more on them, but you are not a child.Just mehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07467136574847865963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047900042385397529.post-28216530311403066202011-08-03T00:54:26.520-07:002011-08-03T00:54:26.520-07:00Maybe it's avoidance of confrontation that hol...Maybe it's avoidance of confrontation that holds you back from telling her how you feel and cutting her out of your life, but I think there may be more to it than that. You say you don't love her, or even like her. From what you've said, it's very understandable why you don't like her. But you don't have to like someone in order to love her or him. I don't mean love in the sense of warm fuzzies, but it the sense of deep down inside somewhere wishing for what is truly good for her — and you do: it comes through in your frustration at all the times she has thrown away opportunities for a better life. So as I see it, you really do love her in one basic sense of the word, and IMO that is a very good thing. Unfortunately, you cannot change her for the better, so all you can do is to keep on loving her as you have, which means as she is.<br /><br />One jarring note, though, in this post was when you wrote, "She is my parent, and therefore when we interact the focus is on me, in the same way that when I'm home I allow the focus to fall on Thomas and Pie." You're both grown-ups now. The focus shouldn't be just on either one of you. Each of you should be focusing on the other. In other words, when you interact, the focus should include both of you. It's understandable and natural that you're annoyed that she doesn't seem interested in you. But think of it this way: scraping together the $100 to come to visit you shows that you are important to her at some visceral level.naturgesetzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15268507379933286863noreply@blogger.com