Last night, I found for the first time in my journalism career that my speech was being suppressed.
This all began on Friday afternoon, when I received a telephone call from the editor-in-chief of Major University's Student Newspaper.
"BB!" she chirped when I answered my phone. "This is Editor-in-Chief!"
"Hey, Chief," I said in surprise.
Given that I'd ceased working under her a year ago (I now write and edit for Student News Site), I was a bit unsure why she was calling me.
"Do you remember last year when we did an April Fools' Day issue?" she asked.
I immediately broke into a smile.
Last spring I'd relished the opportunity to contribute to an Onion-style printing of Student Newspaper.
"Of course I remember," I answered. "Gosh, that was so much fun."
"Well, we're doing it again, and I wanted to know if you'd like to write us some articles," she said. "The stuff you gave us last year was easily the best material from anyone on staff."
Flattered at her praise and thrilled with the opportunity to compose more satire pieces, I told her I'd send a few things along that weekend.
On Sunday evening my cell phone rang again.
"BB," said Editor-in-Chief when I picked up my phone. Her voice was shaking with laughter. "BB, I just read your articles. We just finished the one about the serial killer. This is fucking hilarious but there's no way I can print it as it is. The part about...holy shit, 'sodomizing with a broom handle?'"
For a moment she was overcome with giggles.
"Yeah, they'd kill me if I ran that story. It's freaking amazing, though."
Editor-in-Chief gave me the option to revise two of the pieces I'd submitted, but I told her I couldn't in good conscience set about intentionally degrading the quality of my own work. This morning, de-clawed versions of the faux news stories debuted in Student Newspaper, and I grimaced at the damage the alterations did.
There is one place, however, where I can post whatever I wish. Here, without further adieu, are the articles that Student Newspaper considered too controversial for publication:
BOA Members Burst Into Laughter After Raising Tuition
All 20 members of the Major University Board of Administrators burst into raucous and sustained laughter on March 7 after voting to raise tuition for the 2011-2012 year, meeting attendees reported.
“This $700 tuition hike constitutes an increase of eight percent!” howled Rector Emile Vinitz as tears of mirth poured down his face. “And the students are powerless to stop us! Utterly, utterly powerless!”
Vinitz then exclaimed, “My ribs!” before falling into a puddle of his own urine and shrieking at the top of his voice.
Other BOA officials were similarly overcome by the underlying hilarity of their shamelessly gouging the students whose interests they are appointed to look after.
“This decision is one that we made only after careful and considered debate,” board member Teresa Berne gasped while visibly fighting the urge to claw her silk blouse and cackle maniacally at the ceiling. “Aw, who the hell am I kidding? We just jacked tuition up by more than four times the rate of inflation! Fuck the students!”
Some BOA members, such as Daniel Carter, were particularly tickled by the fact that, while tuition jumped nearly 10 percent, the amount of financial aid awarded remained unchanged.
“Their Stafford loans aren’t even enough to cover their housing costs!” cried Carter as fellow board member Drusilla King tore off her clothing and drenched her naked body in champagne. “If we keep going, we’ll soon make Major University completely unaffordable. And this is a state school!”
Major University president Aaron Miller praised the BOA’s move, saying that it upheld the proud Major University tradition of “building a world-class university that nobody can attend.”
The meeting thereupon degenerated into a drunken fracas in which board members threw chairs through windows, defaced a wall with profane graffiti, and sexually violated both of the board’s student representatives.
“I am the supreme maharajah of India!” proclaimed a stupendously trashed Emile Vinitz as he mounted Danica Mitchell, one of the students.
When reached for comment on the incident, Vinitz said that he felt his conquest of Mitchell was “only appropriate.”
“Given that Ms. Mitchell is a student representative, I actually thought it was quite fitting,” Vinitz mused. “After all, we’re essentially doing the same thing to all of her classmates.”
As of press time, the BOA had voted to increase its members’ salaries by 25 percent.
Serial Killer a Really Nice Guy
Goldlands resident and computer technician Thomas Lanney, 42, is a totally nice guy despite his carnal taste for human blood, friends and acquaintances reported Monday.
“Tom is just really decent,” reported neighbor Eli Quinn, 37, who is unaware that Lanney ritualistically dismembered 24-year-old jogger Stephanie D’Alino after brutally raping her in the alley between his and Quinn’s townhouses last weekend. “Very easy to get along with.”
Others echoed Quinn’s sentiments, praising Lanney’s courtesy, respectful nature, and unusual devotion to cleanliness.
“Some of the residents are really bad about maintaining a neat appearance for their property,” said neighborhood denizen and homeowners association president Laurie Baker, 52. “Not Tom, though. It seems like he can never do enough to keep his house and yard in impeccable condition. Sometimes I’ll even see him in the driveway frantically scrubbing the insides of his trashcans in the middle of the night.”
Neighbors were not alone in mistaking Lanney’s sociopathic isolation for politeness.
“Tom is really quiet, but that’s just because he’s such a gentleman,” said co-worker Melinda Harris, 30, whom Lanney regularly fantasizes about sodomizing with a broom handle and beheading.
Added Harris, to whose imagined shrieks for mercy Lanney has achieved sexual release on 17 separate occasions, “I think he’s just lonely. He doesn’t have a lot of friends, but he’s honestly a sweetheart.”
Upon hearing of his friends’ kind words, Lanney displayed the indicators of happiness that he has learned to accurately mimic.
“It’s so wonderful to be trusted,” Lanney said with a rigid smile. “I mean, liked. It’s so wonderful to be liked.”