Dear Jon

I lied, love

It's always you

From that first week

When you were beautiful words on a screen

(“I think," I said, embarrassed because I never get swept away, "I just met my husband")

To the last

When you were words again

A string of characters

Vulgar black on white

Inadequate binary

Yes or no

Good enough or not

Here or gone

Two banal colors

Concealing glorious heterochromia

Explosions of glittering prismatic hue

That bathed us in Portland

Where the vista of a whole life unfolded from your living room window

Where a panoply of treasure and trust billowed across the bed we shared

Where I teased you about the thermostat and enfolded you in my smooth skin

To warm you when you were cold

Where we laughed at the mess our loving made

"That table's ruined," you sighed

And I'd destroy it with you again and again and again

A thousand times over

Until I got perfect at the demolition

That bathed us in Baltimore

Where my grandmother said you had kind eyes

One of the last things she'll remember is that you made me happy

That bathed us in Virginia

Where the store clerk smiled because we gave her good vibes

Where my best friend took me by the elbow

With a sharp smile and knowing eyes

And whispered so you couldn't hear: "I like him"

That bathed us in Georgetown

Where fireworks and Prosecco and your kisses made a golden haze

My favorite 4th of July

Washington will always be ours

Sparkles on the river

Mimosas and smoked salmon

Train rides and hot days and gentle drunkenness

The first place you told me you loved me

By saying you couldn't say it

But that you felt it

So we came up with that ridiculous euphemism

A code word

That meant not just "love"

But OUR love

The love you bore for me and I for you

Silly and knowing and flexible

Stretching to account for my fears and yours

Pliant enough to absorb the sharp edges and render them soft

That bathed us in Christmas-morning snow

When you held a mirror to my doubt and showed me I could be wonderful without changing

The first inkling of my beautiful boyhood came from your mouth

Not mine

I love you for so much

But I love you especially for that

And for your laugh

The way it hitches in disbelief at me

For your mockery each and every time we go to the grocery store

Because I never know where I'm parked

For how you sputter at the mere suggestion of spicy food

For the absurdity that you're an Indian who can't eat curry

For our first date in a carwash

And our second in a candy aisle

For insisting I be treated well

Even when I didn’t

For when you used me as a thesaurus

For when I used you as a calculator

For when we dreamed of the desert

And then of the pines

And then of Vancouver

And then of Berlin

For Netflix nights

For scandalous asides

For the article you sent me---when I was already reading it, too

For knowing me so well you could guess my mind

Even a thousand miles away

For when you still missed me

And longed to see my face

For how you wept

When you read my Christmas card

For "Your presence makes me calm"

Because that was all I ever wanted to give you

For every answered phone call

For every returned text

For your hands dancing down my feet

And over my body

For your lips on mine

For the fierce hug at the airport

For, "Don't worry, Love. It's only eight weeks."

But then it was never.

For the tears you shed the first morning you woke up without me

Yours have dried

But mine just keep flowing

"You have to move on"

When so many say it

Mustn't it be true?

No white after Labor Day

Wait half a week before texting

Nobody can pull off bangs

Marble countertops are passé

Everybody knows

You certainly did

When you repeated their mantra:

"You have to move on"

So I told you I did

To give you that closure

And pretend I had it, too

It's the line I recite when people ask how I am

That we're better as friends

That I'm happy this way

"You have to move on"

So I told you I did

But moving on means letting go of hope

Not of you

Now hope is long gone

And it’s just you who lingers

I release everything else

Yet can never unclench my hands from your memory

"You have to move on"

So I told you I did

To acceptance of this absence

To peace with this ache

To the dating game

Where I look for the man who can be second best

A substitute for the only one I've ever loved

Pepsi Cola

Palatable if you don't think about it

Never the real thing

You promised I'd find someone right

But I already have

You promised he’s out there somewhere

But he lives in Portland

I’ve been in his apartment

I’ve counted the grey hairs in his glossy black mane

And the fears behind his crinkling dark eyes

And each time he was strong enough to overcome them

And the slowly ticking minutes

Since we began leaking away

And each bailout bucket

In succession they all overflowed

And the endless accumulated leagues

Since Mile Marker 21st of January

When he drifted beyond my soft touch

And each thudding second

Since the one when I knew I lost him

You asked me to believe

So I told you I would

"You have to move on"

So I told you I did

I lied, love

It's always you