Monday, May 31, 2021

With Him


It finally happened: that job in Iceport. The one I dreamed of over four successive dark winters. The one I gunned for hard with desperation and then with ruthless, cold focus. It's mine.

And somehow all I can think about, as I walk the rose-strewn streets of Triantaphilon with Anthos, is throwing it all away to begin anew in this sun-drenched city. With bookstores and coffee shops and quirky little stores. With warmth and vibrance and endless waves of emerald-green trees beneath banners that proclaim welcome to people like me. With this man who looks at me through astonished eyes and tells me how beautiful I am. With his lips that say he'll want me, no matter what I decide. 

With him.

I have no idea what's coming or where I'll be when it does. What I do know is that I'm tired of living for other people's expectations, or for duty, or for the long game. I want to live for the moment. For the desires of my heart. For, at last, my happiness, which I've neglected so long in the service of literally everything else. For the right now.  And right now, walking beside him in the sunshine makes me feel more whole and more hopeful than I have in a very, very long time. 

This emotional rollercoaster is headed for a destination I'm not yet able to divine. Once it stops, I'm getting off at a port of my choosing--Alaska and career be damned. I've been so obsessed with following the path and climbing the ladder, with doing the responsible thing, that I've missed a beautiful and elegant truth: at any point, you can burn it all down. Start over. You don't have to continue investing in a choice that no longer serves you just because you've invested so much in it already. 

So many decisions. Now I just have to work out what I want.


naturgesetz said...

Congratulations on finding Anthos.

You say in your April 6 post (which I only read after seeing this one) that he was able to visit because his job is remote. Is it remote enough that he could be with you in Iceport? Maybe he has to go to the office in Triantaphilon too often for that to work, but it would be nice if you could have it all.

When you said the Iceport job is yours, did that mean that you had agreed to take it? If so, maybe the decent thing to do is keep your word and just visit back and forth as much as possible until next school year is over. That would also give you time to line up gainful employment in Triantaphilon.

The thing is, it's been a very brief acquaintance. Sometimes people know right away. That happened with an aunt and uncle of mine. Heck, when my grandfather and grandmother were about eight, her fasmily had t move away — from Lowell, MA to Cleveland. The story is that my grandfather said, "When I grow up, I'll go to Cleveland and marry Helen." But in other cases a longer relationship makesproblems visible.

It makes sense to pursue happiness. As you say, you have big decisions to make. I pray you'll make the ones that will be best for you.

BTW, I think sometimes people rely too much on The Plan. For one thing, it doesn't always mean that things will be pleasant. How did following The Plan work out for Jesus (and lots of others)? For another, if you make a wrong turn and The Plan can't work out, God always can give another plan. God knows eternally what we are going to do. The Holy Spirit is constantly giving us guidance, and if we miss it at one point and do something else, he gives us guidance about what to do in the new situation. Whether we do well or mess up, God keeps loving us.

Anyway, congratulations on having these good things happening. God bless you as you decide what to do now.

Leigh said...

"You don't have to continue investing in a choice that no longer serves you just because you've invested so much in it already."

This is true wisdom! But I think it takes a healthy dose of self-confidence with a touch of humility to embrace it.

Ed said...

I'm happy that you are able to live in the moment. So few are able to do so. I know it is something I struggle with at times. But when I have in my past, I remember those moments fondly. Enjoy!

Kelly said...

I wish you well and pray you find much happiness.

Debby said...

Life is for learning. I am so happy at your discoveries. Be happy always.

kylie said...

little by little, life changes. Sometimes it's coming together and others it falls apart. I'm glad you are headed in a good direction