Thursday, October 4, 2012

Be Gentle

There have been very few times in my four years on Blogger when I've felt genuinely conflicted about putting up a post, but this is one of them. It's not because I did anything bad, not because I feel guilty. But I do feel ashamed. Ashamed, as usual, of something I can't help. Or maybe of something I don't want to help.

No, that's not true. This is beyond my control and has been for years. Who the hell would want to live the way I do? Sure, my world has some fantastic elements to it--great friends, a relative degree of financial stability, a budding career--but there's always been this inner track that's been able to supercede everything else when it rises up.

And at this point in my life it's just so damned undignified to talk about that. I'm twenty-four years old, and, in theory, a young professional. I'm not naive enough to think that my age means I should arbitrarily be past these issues, but is it feasible that maybe my age means I should endure them with quiet grace, maintaining a respectable facade?

I'm not the nineteen-year-old boy I was when I began here. Back then, my periodic bouts of depressed introspection and, let's be honest, total mania, could at least be painted with the romantic veneer of youth.

He's a troubled young man. A teenager trying to figure himself out. He's a confused boy. 

A college student fighting the wars of existentialism and self-hatred. How original.

But at some point that fashionably tortured nineteen-year-old grows up and stops acting like such a drama queen, right? Or he has the good sense not to engage in the gaudy display that is sharing.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of making myself look self-indulged and maudlin, ashamed that my employer or a client will somehow find this and decide without too much debate that I'm unfit.

But this is my place and always has been, and what did I promise you (and myself) from the beginning? An honest portrait of my life.

So I may, within the next few days, come to you with a post that will be difficult for all of us. I'm not sure yet. But if I take that step then please, honor just one request: be gentle.

7 comments:

naturgesetz said...

*hugs*

laura b. said...

As a friend in spirit, I'm here when you're ready to lay down some of that painful burden.

Jay M. said...

Well, unless I miss my guess, you're considering shutting down the blog. I understand that fear, and know others have done the same thing for the same reason. However, if i may...you're never identified yourself by name. Nor any place you've lived. Unless the email address/Google account you use to access the blog is the same one you use for your professional life, it would be hard to find this blog based on knowing you in real life, and even googling your name would likely turn up nothing.

But if you do decide to close down, please make yourself a complete backup of this work of art. You've poured a lot of blood, sweat, and probably tears into this record, and one day, you may decide that it's not so important whether others find it accidently or not, or you may wish to share it with a partner or other close friend - perhaps even children if you find yourself a parent.

You've been a good friend here. If you do decide to "disappear", I hope you'll stay in touch. Oh, and do NOT feel ashamed about the ingrained, self-protective spirit you feel - if you can't put yourself first, you won't get very far!

No worries, BB. Those of us who have been in your spot will be very gentle. The others won't matter.

Peace <3
Jay

rented life said...

I have always loved that you have the courage to be so honest here, even when it's hard. I really admire you for it, while I try to figure out what honesty should look like in my life. Sending you my thoughts as you figure out what's next.

Jason said...

Don't let 'age' be an issue that it really isn't, because no matter how old we get, we all have similar feelings, dwell in certain areas of mood that are perhaps best not to wallow in. I know I have recently and I'm your age backwards, so don't let societies view of what a person should do/be doing/act/behave at such and such an age, change the way you behave

One of the best things about blogs I;ve found over the years is the level of honesty in them, your is new to me, but there is so much honesty here, which is so engaging to read and also very moving. It's been interesting learning more about you reading some of the back posts. Only you'll know if the blog gives you joy anymore, if it doesn't then you should give it up, but if joy it brings you, in any shape then well, you got the point.

Best wishes from a stranger over the sea who is often just as self indulgent, maudlin, simpering at almost twice the age.

*waves from Brighton*

jo(e) said...

Ah, be gentle on yourself as well. Many of my friends are in their 50s and are still working out issues. So long as you're moving in the right direction -- and I think you are.

Arizaphale said...

Right on jo(e)! Do we ever stop learning about ourselves? Don't be ashamed or afraid of your journey, it is yours. Own it. We all obviously feel some connection with it so you are not totally alone.....