Saturday, October 6, 2012

The Verdict

"I don't think you were psychotic," said my therapist. "But I think you were approaching a line where you were maybe a little detached from reality."

"It was scary," I conceded.

I wanted it to be like a vacation. But it wasn't.

"It sounds terrifying," she said.

No shit, I thought.

But my conscious, responsible self said, "I just don't want to be fat."

"And you're not fat," she answered.

"But I am," I insisted. "I know you think I'm imagining this. But I'm not imagining the jelly rolls."

"There's a spectrum with OCD," she said. "And you're having moments where you're on the severe end of it. I know those fears feel real. But they're not. And it's important to remember that. An eating disorder interacting with severe OCD can feel so real. You need to maintain perspective."

I DON'T CARE ABOUT PERSPECTIVE.

8 comments:

Jay M. said...

I don't know what to say, BB. I say this because I never know what to say when someone doesn't want to listen to their therapist, for whatever the reason is. When you say one thing to yourself, but another to the person who you've hired to help you maintain your mental health, it's not helping. Maybe I'm missing something here, but perhaps the next question from you should have been "please explain that, because I DON'T CARE ABOUT PERSPECTIVE".

Just my utterly unqualified opinion.

Peace <3
Jay

naturgesetz said...

I think Jay makes good sense. I was going to ask why you don't care about perspective.

It can take time to feel comfortable enough with a therapist to realize that it's okay to say anything and it's best to say what you think even if you don't like it. We spend years learning to say only what is acceptable, and then we find ourselves in a situation where we have to unlearn our guardedness.

So kudos to you for taking the step of going to the therapist, and kudos to you for being willing to blog about it. Please continue with both. I believe the therapist can really help you, but it won't be overnight — and the resistance you feel comes from the part of you that is comfortable with the familiarity of the way things are and is afraid of change. And through the blog I'd like to offer whatever moral support I can as you continue in the path you follow.

There is nothing in what you wrote that you should feel ashamed of, IMO, whether it's the things in your life that brought you to the therapist, the fact of going to see a therapist, or thinking one thing and saying something else to the therapist.

I was in group therapy for three or four years, and it ended up being very helpful in reducing my fear of rejection and the shyness that the fear produced. If you stick with the therapy, you can also expect good results.

So hang in there.

*hugs*

Jason said...

Perspective are subjective, your perspective is different to mine and mine is different to your therapists.

Non of us can tell what is really inside your head, just as none of us can see if, from our perspectives (or that of society in general) you are indeed fat as you feel you are or not at all.

I know eating disorders are incredibly painful and difficult to confront, control, cope with, overcome and where possible a therapist that specialises in such disorders should be seen.

You know you're blogging friends are here to support you, in whatever way we can, yet it is you and you alone that have to do the hardest work of all, which you've already started doing, so at least that's something to be proud of. Good luck.

rented life said...

I'm not sure perspective is a great word--whose are you supposed to be maintaining?

I get what you're saying, not caring. It's so easy for people to validate your feelings but then but them short by saying you need to "just do this" (whatever this is varies). When you're living it, comments like perspective (or what I hear "just go be happy" -I have depression-) don't really feel like they're getting at the core of how you're feeling. This isn't to dismiss the therapist, just to acknowledge that how you feel is very real.

dawn marie giegerich said...

I have suffered from chronic depression all of my life and perspective was not something attainable for me when I was in the deepest throes of the disease. It went right out the door along with logic and sensibility.

laura b. said...

I'm sorry for the pain and fear you've experienced. I really hope that you are able to either connect in a meaningful way with your current therapist or that you are able to find one with whom you do connect.
I understand that she was trying to be reassuring, but since her words clearly do not reassure you, she needs to reevalute her approach.

jo(e) said...

(o)

Arizaphale said...

Whew...lots of wise words from the blogosphere here. Not much else to offer except that perspective is really the core to so many emotional/mental health issues and just saying to 'get some'...doesn't really help.