Thursday, February 14, 2013

A Realization

I stared in the mirror at my gentle features and long blonde hair.

BB, I reflected. You're fucked up for drinking so much.

I thought about the situation and laughed.

You're more fucked up for not eating today.

And that made me feel better. Like, in comparison, the drinking really wasn't that bad. Even though it totally is.

I guess some things don't change, do they? A career doesn't change them. Friends don't change them. Life doesn't change them. Therapy, which goodness knows I need, doesn't change them. Where does that leave good old me? Does it ever go away? Do I ever get better? What does "better" mean?

And is all of this just genetic, or was it done? Was I always going to be crazy, or was I made crazy?

I told on my father once.

I went to a teacher and I let her know.

"He dragged me out of bed and slammed me onto the floor. He hit me and I couldn't breathe."

When he found out that I'd reported him, he told me the authorities were going to take me away to foster care, where I'd be gang raped. Once they were done with me, he said, they'd come for my younger brothers.

I was nine.

And you know, it worked, because I never told again. I don't know. I just don't fucking know.


laura b. said...

Now that you are a grown man and no longer under his control it is particularly tragic that you've taken over the task of beating down BB.
I wish you health and happiness. You fully derserve it.

Anonymously Me said...

You should tell now.
I think we're a lot the same.

Anonymous said...

I hope that you can find a way to move towards healing. It's NOT genetic. You can make the changes, and quite honestly, a therapist might help. You deserve to chase those ghosts away once and for all, and a pro can help you do that. I know. Please consider it. You should NOT be thrashing yourself now over it all. You've got so much brightness in your world that these shadows need to be taken away.

Peace <3

jo(e) said...

People and circumstances to change -- I've seen it happen.

I have great confidence in you, BB.

dawn marie giegerich said...

A horrible, horrible story, this will haunt me.
Good god, please be well.

Arizaphale said...

You'll know you're on the right road when you can honestly separate who you are from what has happened to you. As they say in the fellowship ..."keep coming back"'s a journey.