Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The Last Few Days

Me Reading in the Hot Tub

There is no picture accompanying this post. Oh, wait, there is, but not the one I intended. I'm not entirely sure why I chose to use the one above. I had meant to bring my camera with me to school today, but realized one street down from my house that I'd forgotten it.

There's always tomorrow.

What I wanted to photograph was a particular tree that I pass by on my way home each day. While the majority of vegetation around here has already begun to change, morphing from vibrant green into subdued hues of dark red, quiet yellow, and mottled brown, this particular tree boasts spectacular and outlandish leaves of shockingly bright red and sunlight gold.

The nature of this season's beauty is very shortlived, which means that if I wait until next week the tree may no longer be the magnificent thing that it currently is. It's so gorgeous.

The last couple of days have been soft on me. I have sometimes had doubts about God, about whether He exists or whether He had simply left me, but occasional events make believing much easier again.

The night following my last post, I had a dream that can only be described as lovely. To begin with, I slid more placidly into sleep than I have in a very long time, to be greeted once my eyes had closed with great comfort.

In this dream, I was lying shirtless on a shore somewhere. I was not at the beach, but I was partially submerged in warm water, resting just on the edge of a forest. Someone, I do not know who, came up, sat down beside me, and began running their hands through my hair.

They just gently stroked my blonde locks and didn't say a word the entire time. This person, whoever it was, thought I was beautiful. They wanted me, but not in the lustful sense of that word, not in the way that some others have; they simply wanted me, simply loved me, unconditionally and with a pureness so crystal that I don't think I've ever actually experienced it in life.

This person, who I didn't even see, would have been content forever to remain on the grass, caressing my hair and working their hands down my smooth back. I would have been content to let them.

It filled me with peace and stillness, which is what I needed. It wasn't real in the sense of happening, but it felt real, and it felt wonderful.

Have any of you ever had that? I've known desire, of course, and I've seen it directed at me, though I never have partaken.

I want someone, is what I suppose I mean. I want someone who I can look at, who is as breathtaking to me as I am to them, whose soft lips I can take in mine, whose supple pink skin my supple pink skin can rub against, whose arms belong around my slender waist.

I want someone to touch me and let me kiss their fingers.

I want someone whose hair I can push out of their face to see heartmelting eyes. That's what I want.

Wow. That kind of came out of nowhere.

In any case, it was a wonderful dream, and it made me smile. It still makes me smile.

Other things, a bit more concrete, have happened as well.

The night before last, while I was in the library doing research for my American Foreign Policy paper, my cell phone rang.

"Hello?" I said, picking up with surprise because I did not immediately recognize the incoming number or the voice. "Who's this?"

It was my assistant manager at the movie theater. On the very day I committed to finding a job (with acute awareness of what a hopeless prospect that was), he telephoned me and asked me if I wanted to come back to work part-time.

I told him I would love to, and now I'm on the schedule for this Saturday. Sometimes things do turn out well.

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