Monday, June 29, 2009
There are some things that I need to say, thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head. I don’t like to reflect on them too much, for they make me uneasy, but my experience has been that confronting head-on what frightens you the most often yields the best result.
Here it is:
*I worry that I am wasting my time in college. I’m about to enter my fourth year at university, and I am more confused than ever about what I’m going to do when I get out. Though I know college students change their minds frequently with regard to careers, I want to at least be qualified to do something when I graduate.
*In the last three years of my higher education, I feel that I have learned literally nothing in the classroom. From an academic perspective, high school taught me much more.
*In the last three years of my higher education, I feel I have learned an enormous amount about myself and life in general. And I still feel that it isn’t enough.
*I usually shower in the dark. Seeing myself scares and saddens me.
*I feel that I have accomplished nothing for my age.
*Sometimes when I see a sunset, or rolling green hills, I want to cry.
*There are times when I look out upon the land or up into the sky and experience a sense of longing I do not understand.
*I have felt for my entire life as if I did not belong here, that I was supposed to be somewhere else, and I have never been able to identify where that might be.
*I wish I could disappear into the stories I write.
*I fear mundanity above almost all else. One of my biggest reservations about becoming a teacher is that I will fall into a prescribed niche, calcified into a hole as an underpaid, overworked member of America’s middle class.
*The other reason I fear teaching is because I worry that in becoming an authority figure myself, I will cease to be a kid.
*I am probably the most insecure person I know, and in that I ruin everything. I cannot believe in my own talent, my own worth, my own beauty, unless someone else tells me, and oftentimes when they do I don’t believe them.
*I am very lonely.
*My sadness commingles with abundant reserves of bitterness and hatred. I know how ugly these things are.
*I wonder if I will ever love.
*I sometimes fantasize about the perfect boy. I then feel that if he were out there, he would not want me.
*I simultaneously despise myself and despise others for disliking me.
*I am weak.
*I feel very disconnected.
*I can’t shake the thought that I am missing something.
*I have sometimes thought about simply running away, but I don’t know what I would do when I got there or how it would be any better.
*I recognize that the “real world” is one construct among many. I could in theory wander off into the forest one day and leave all of this behind. I am well aware that most of what binds me is artificial.
*I am afraid to venture off on my own.
*I worry that my sloth and cowardice will ruin my life.
*I like to believe that there is someone out there who is like me, but stronger. If he exists, I want to find him.
*I’m not completely sure I’m gay.
*I wonder why it is acceptable for other people to be the way I am, shy, literate, reserved, and unusual, but in my case it invites criticism? Why is it that they are unique but I am weird?
*I want to know why God saw fit to make me this way. What is the reward for all this pain? Is it just pain for pain’s sake? Did I commit some crime? Why would He do this?
*I am so scared of disappointing those around me.
*I don’t know what to do.