Monday, June 29, 2009

In Honesty

Molten Sunset

There are some things that I need to say, thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head. I don’t like to reflect on them too much, for they make me uneasy, but my experience has been that confronting head-on what frightens you the most often yields the best result.

Here it is:

*I worry that I am wasting my time in college. I’m about to enter my fourth year at university, and I am more confused than ever about what I’m going to do when I get out. Though I know college students change their minds frequently with regard to careers, I want to at least be qualified to do something when I graduate.

*In the last three years of my higher education, I feel that I have learned literally nothing in the classroom. From an academic perspective, high school taught me much more.

*In the last three years of my higher education, I feel I have learned an enormous amount about myself and life in general. And I still feel that it isn’t enough.

*I usually shower in the dark. Seeing myself scares and saddens me.

*I feel that I have accomplished nothing for my age.

*Sometimes when I see a sunset, or rolling green hills, I want to cry.

*There are times when I look out upon the land or up into the sky and experience a sense of longing I do not understand.

*I have felt for my entire life as if I did not belong here, that I was supposed to be somewhere else, and I have never been able to identify where that might be.

*I wish I could disappear into the stories I write.

*I fear mundanity above almost all else. One of my biggest reservations about becoming a teacher is that I will fall into a prescribed niche, calcified into a hole as an underpaid, overworked member of America’s middle class.

*The other reason I fear teaching is because I worry that in becoming an authority figure myself, I will cease to be a kid.

*I am probably the most insecure person I know, and in that I ruin everything. I cannot believe in my own talent, my own worth, my own beauty, unless someone else tells me, and oftentimes when they do I don’t believe them.

*I am very lonely.

*My sadness commingles with abundant reserves of bitterness and hatred. I know how ugly these things are.

*I wonder if I will ever love.

*I sometimes fantasize about the perfect boy. I then feel that if he were out there, he would not want me.

*I simultaneously despise myself and despise others for disliking me.

*I am weak.

*I feel very disconnected.

*I can’t shake the thought that I am missing something.

*I have sometimes thought about simply running away, but I don’t know what I would do when I got there or how it would be any better.

*I recognize that the “real world” is one construct among many. I could in theory wander off into the forest one day and leave all of this behind. I am well aware that most of what binds me is artificial.

*I am afraid to venture off on my own.

*I worry that my sloth and cowardice will ruin my life.

*I like to believe that there is someone out there who is like me, but stronger. If he exists, I want to find him.

*I’m not completely sure I’m gay.

*I wonder why it is acceptable for other people to be the way I am, shy, literate, reserved, and unusual, but in my case it invites criticism? Why is it that they are unique but I am weird?

*I want to know why God saw fit to make me this way. What is the reward for all this pain? Is it just pain for pain’s sake? Did I commit some crime? Why would He do this?

*I am so scared of disappointing those around me.

*I don’t know what to do.


secret agent woman said...

You know most universities offer free counselling - have you considered talking through some of these issues with a professional?

unokhan said...

some of these insecurities will be with you for life, to varying degrees, so you might as well reach out and shake hands with em and say 'i'm bb, how do you do.' but for the most part you will lose the intensity of these feelings or lose them altogether and grow more comfortable in your own skin.

you rock. and you need to go camping.

jo(e) said...

Wow. I love the honesty of this list.

I wish I could disappear into the stories I write

I think this line would resonate with most writers I know. No matter what you choose as a career, you are definitely a writer.

Girl Interrupted said...

Hey :) thought I'd drop by and check out your blog, seeing as you were kind enough to come read mine.

I think you write exceptionally well, seriously, and all I'd say about the other stuff is that I think the fact you recognise the things you fear is a big, important step towards accepting/resolving them. You're 21? Don't expect to have all the answers by that age, I'm 29 and I still don't know who I am or where I'm going or what my purpose is in life. Try not to be so tough on yourself, so what if you haven't achieved much yet? What if the things you are destined to achieve are waiting for you in your 30's or 40's or even later? You just haven't got there yet :)

And whatever you do, keep writing.

Teresa said...

I agree with Jo(e). You are a writer. And the phrase that sticks with me is: ....will cease to be a kid. That sounds like your biggest fear. The list is full of normal pre-graduation jitters. You're starting early.

Way t' go !


Carlos said...

Hello, and thanks for dropping by my blog, It's Your Damned Language.

I've bookmarked you; I'll be back when I have more time to read.


Terra Shield said...

You know, reading your list reminds me that some of the things you mentioned are thoughts that crossed my mind as well. So I suppose you're not all alone...

*I feel that I have accomplished nothing for my age
I so connect with this, and I'm already 29!

nadhsamuel said...

BB,I love the honesty .It’s not natural for a boy at your age to worry so much. You are supposed to be having fun.
For me,at the age of 20, I tried hard to understand what, exactly, the words, joy, passion, desire meant. They always seemed so beautiful to me in books, but what did they mean in real life? Novels had always seemed more real to me than the life I had to live.

I agree with Teresa and jo(e). You are a good writer.

Drew said...

I saw that you read my blog and so I wanted to return the favor. I wasn't entirely prepared for this, though.

Let me level with you -- the fact that you feel these ways doesn't make you insecure or abnormal or weird or stupid or whatever; these things make you human, and there's nothing wrong with that. These things, though, are what we need to work through.

There are three things you can do at roadblocks -- stop at them, go around them, or go through them. And the only thing that stands between you and the rest of your life are these things.

So what do we do?

I've subscribed to you and I can't wait to read about the decisions you make.


A Free Man said...

As cliched as it sounds, hang in there. Whether or not you think you're getting something in Uni you're better off with a degree than without. And the longer you live it, the better life gets. I felt a lot of what you're feeling in my early 20's and I'm glad I hung on.

otherworldlyone said...

We have a lot in common. Unfortunately, that means I don't really have any advice for you (as usual, it seems).

I will say this though: You're going to college, you're making friends, and you’re experiencing life like a normal person your age. As much as I love my daughter, sometimes I would give anything to be a normal chick with no responsibilities and the world at my feet.

Be happy, be patient.