Sunday, October 25, 2009

Conflicted

I am not sure how I feel about the way I behaved this weekend.

A part of me knew, knew before my dazed and drowsy head touched the pillow Saturday morning, that the way I had conducted myself was wrong, but that alone was not cause for great moral trepidation.

People make poor choices all the time, and then, deriving fresh reason from their sullied courses of action, resolve to do better. They don't dwell on misdeeds already done.

What caused me such disquiet was the pleasure I took in committing my offenses and the startling realization that, though I was aware what I had done was immoral, I had every intention of repeating it at the next possible opportunity.

I still do.

In fact, I'm eager to go further.

This streak, emerging seemingly out of nowhere, has left me disturbed and a little afraid, but has simultaneously tickled a dark sensuousness to which I long to surrender. These mere thoughts unsettle my conscience and make me wonder if something of my essence is in peril.

When I was younger I always prided myself on being a good person, but wonder if that was ever true. As a boy I stood in resolute denial of my sexuality, and between being unattracted to girls and denying myself attraction to boys, I had no options.

Now, I suddenly find myself in a situation wherein I am considered quite desirable, and with the wide availability of partners such a status affords all of the past's moral objections have fallen away like a gauze curtain torn from a window.

Were those remonstrances always a function of practicality, or was there ever more to them?

I'm doing things I never would have considered before, with a brazenness that borders on reckless.

Friday night in the club, I approached a cute man I'd been eyeing for some time, stood before his tall form, and looked up into his face dolefully.

He appeared to be between twenty-three and twenty-five, and he laughed at me in the dismissive way that older men sometimes do.

I narrowed my eyes and opened my hands in challenge.

"Do you really not want me?" I asked.

The smile dropped from his face and his eyes widened. He approached me to dance.

I loved the look of fright on his visage, loved how gazes shifted my way from across the dance floor, loved seeing the display of delicious flesh arrayed before me and knowing I could have my pick from its stock, that I could have as many samples as I wished, for prettiness comes in many forms and to taste only one is to abdicate from life. I deplored and adored this at once.

I've not actually had sex yet, but find myself fantasizing about how I might plunge into its depths for the first time. Beside this pounding urge is an inner spirit that decries my depravity, but even as I absorb that criticism I am overcome with pleasure at the notion of being depraved.

This doesn't feel right, but I enjoy it so much.

I don't think I'm a bad person. I don't know what to do.

15 comments:

Surge said...

No, you really aren't a bad person.. Just do what feels right to you.

tattytiara said...

Only you can know for sure, but perhaps what you need to do is examine these moralities you feel you're crossing and decide if you really believe in your heart that you're doing anything wrong. That is, are these really your personal moral perspectives or those that you've been taught to respect? I didn't read anything that suggested anyone getting hurt, so I didn't see anything morally wrong with how you behaved. Again, though, that's my personal moral perspective.

g said...

I think it's fair to other people if you maintain a consistency in your message. If you want to simply flirt and not have sex, then don't change the message and promise sex. If you promise sex and then withhold it, you're changing the message. If you're not ready for sex, don't pretend you are.

I can't believe I'm writing this, but in my day for young girls, we called the concept of being inconsistent in staying on this message - a "cock-tease."

It makes people angry when you do it. Sometimes they hurt you when they're angry. Don't put yourself in that position.

If you're ready for sex, then choose to do it with someone you will enjoy it with and who you are willing to give joy to in return. Don't make your first experience a bad one.

Jen said...

Just make sure you protect yourself. Always play safe!

naturgesetz said...

You are at a point where you have to make your morality your own, not just a matter of following rules someone else gave you. In other words, it is a question of forming your conscience, the voice inside you that tells you what you should be doing and what you should not be doing.

So ask yourself what is right and what is wrong. What have you been taught? What have you believed? Are these teachings and beliefs wrong? On what basis? Are they inconvenient? (I don't think that means they are wrong.)

It seems to me that we humans have an almost infinite capacity for rationalization, for explaining away the wrongness of conduct that others (or we) say is wrong. So if you tell yourself that you are doing nothing wrong, do you really believe it, or are you just making up a rationalization?

From what you say, I'm guessing that you have a Christian background on which you based your self-image as a good person and which was behind your rejection of homosexual conduct. Now you need to ask yourself what you think is the basis of morality. Are things right or wrong because God says so? Because of how he created the world and us (human nature)? Because of convention? Or is there no objective standard; is it all a matter of what we feel comfortable doing?

Ask yourself if scripture is in some sense God's word to us? If so, what do you make of the fact that in discussion with the Sadducees Jesus appeals to how it was from the beginning, and refers to the words of Genesis where we read that God created them male and female, in his image, blessed them, and commanded them to be fruitful and multiply; and that this is the reason man and woman leave their parents, cling to one another, and become one flesh? Does this tell us the reason we are sexual beings? Does it support the morality you have been taught?

There is much for you to consider as you think about what you want to do and what you ought to do. I hope you won't disregard your true beliefs and use a phony rationalization to tell yourself that what you know is wrong is not so bad after all. And I hope you won't let yourself do things that your conscience tells you not to. It is a lot harder to stop doing something that gives pleasure than it is to avoid starting in the first place.

May God bless you as you figure out what you should do, and may he give you strength to refrain from what your conscience tells you is wrong, no matter how attractive or enjoyable it may be.

Minka said...

Thinking it over, even wriing about it - I thhink you're on the right way. You have to think and come to a decision (or more than one) yourself. Things seem wrong sometmes just because other people make them seem wrong. But it's also true that they seem right sometimes because of the same reason. You cannot always trust other people's opinions. Growing u also means having your own. Being more mature means taking responsibility for them.
Are you bad? I don't think so. You're experimenting, I guess. Something that some people do more often than others and some never stop. Maybe it's okay as long as everybody knows the name of the game. Playing games hurting people - that's bad. I don't think that's wjhat you're doing. Take care, good luck!

otherworldlyone said...

I think it's easy to enjoy being "immoral" when you feel desired by so many. Especially after going so long without.

That's most likely why I did the things I did. I don't regret any of them now that I'm older and not as wild. I was still safe and I had a good time.

Live your life, BB.

jo(e) said...

I think it's evidence of maturity that you're stopping to think about the feelings you're having and looking at your own behavior and figuring out what choices you want to make. I think it *is* really confusing to sort this all out -- you want to be true to yourself, you want to allow yourself satisfaction, you want to protect yourself, you don't want to hurt someone else, you want to experiment, you want to try things out ....

I think sorting all that out is part of being an adult. (I'd like to say that it gets easier as you get older, but I'm not sure that's really true.)

Kate said...

Just found your blog and it looks really great - and wish you luck with things and hopefully finding Mr right or Mr right now if thats what you want.
Kate xxx

Anonymous said...

Hey, found your blog and i like it! Don't worry so much about whats right or wrong in others eyes. Just be you, explore, find out whats out there!

Oh, and you really, REALLY should be reading this if you arent already.. its totally addictive! http://arentboynamed.wordpress.com/

Laters Kevin

Michael said...

Hi,

First of all, thank you for visiting my blog. I take any feedback very thankfully, so you know, awesome for you to have found that particular one and make a comment. I will certainly take your words into account.

I am recklessly honest on my blog, mostly 'cause I don't care. I guess I'm not careful enough about my personal life, but well, here goes a big bomb:

I had sex for the first time with this guy I met in a bar. After sleeping with him three times, I realized I didn't like him, and it... wasn't a bad thing, it just felt uncomfortable. I just hope the guys you do it with in the future make you feel good and not uncomfortable. I just thought I'd finally fuck the guy or let him fuck me and see what all the fuss of sex was about, you know?

I'm funny and weird like that. But um. Live in the moment, and if you don't like it, go home. If there's protection, then there's no harm in doing wacky things.

Michael.

secret agent woman said...

It seems liek you've got a dichotomy going where your choices are either complete reckless promiscuity or abstinence. Would it be such a bad thing to move forward but with some degrgee of caution? Don't get me wrong - sex is a wonderful thing. But you can also be discerning and who and when. You've got all the time in the world ahead of you.

pathetic prophet said...

I don't necessarily agree with everything Naturgesetz says (about 'straight sex' and God's plan), but I agree with a lot of what he says about rationalizing and finding your true moral compass.
As gay Christians we need to find a moral stance that fits our particular state of being. We need to get past the morality of avoiding coed swimming and how to behave around girls (which really isn't effective teaching anyway) and find a way to become men of God in the midst of our same-sex attraction.
That being said, sex with someone involves an emotional connection with them that leaves us somewhat depleted when things end. It's a really good idea to wait for the 'actual event' until it's with someone you really like and want to spend a long time with. Going out and flirting is AWESOME - so much fun....but for a while, I suggest, stop there until you're absolutely positively sure you want to move further.
shalom

BrightenedBoy said...

A reader named Josh was unable to post his comment here, so he sent me an e-mail and asked me to do it for him. This is what he said:

BB:

Yes, you have power... because of your youth, your build, your abandon... as you enjoy it, exercise your power with care: choose not to be cruel or dismissive, choose not to lead others on -- and choose to maintain control, of yourself, most of all. You're the only one who can save yourself if things go badly; make sure you retain the presence of mind to notice when your instincts tell you to stop, break off, get away from someone. Trust those instincts and obey them - every time.

Continue to think about what you want from sex, what you expect and what you believe it should mean. Particularly for your first time, choose wisely - for yourself, your values, your circumstances - in selecting your partner, the place and the time. I join your other commenters in saying: be safe. Use condoms, change them every 15 minutes, be sober enough to know if they're not on correctly. Your partner can be as drunk as you agree is safe for him; take responsibility to be sober enough to keep yourself safe - that's your job, not his. Set the conditions that are right for you - not just in the moment, but at the end of the weekend, the end of the year, the end of your life. Plan ahead, plan wisely and with reflection - and implement the plan when the time, place and people are right.

Think about what you want to experience in your first time, then take time to enjoy each new act and sensation. (My thought is that your partner, knowing that it's your first time, should take the time to make it the best he can for you... choose such a person, eh? :) )

I enjoy reading about your adventures and admire your thoughtfulness... here's to next weekend - and a lifetime of happy memories!

--Josh

Jason, as himself said...

I agree with Josh and his wise comments. After going through what you're experiencing, I finally came to the conclusion that sex with people I didn't genuinely like was not what I liked or needed. Fantasies be damned!