Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Lost

I am. In so many ways. Sometimes I don't know what's good or bad or whether I'm to blame. I hate others and hate myself and in the end all of that toxicity just blends into something that's neither coherent nor expressible, just a mindless profusion of impotent anger.

There are nights when I want to melt into the darkness and be nothing.

9 comments:

Jeannie said...

I feel like this quite frequently. It either morphs into depression or I come up fighting. Life is just hard.

Anonymously Me said...

This sort of reminds me of the song that goes "you never feel good or bad, only strange and unprepared."

Madame DeFarge said...

I hope you're okay. Take care and look after yourself.

Kevin Musgrove said...

That's the point where you need to ask yourself:

(a) Do I know what is making me angry and helpless?

(b) Can I do anything about it?

(c) If I can't do anything about it does it actually matter?

(d) Would the world suddenly stop turning on its axis if I said: "stuff that for a game of soldiers" and went and did something I actually like doing instead?

I don't do this nearly often enough myself. Every so often I have enough sense to do it and it works.

Look after yourself.

Woozie said...

Indeed. So far today I've been too busy with too many things to allow my mind to wander to dark places, but I did go ahead and schedule an appointment with a counselor for the first time in a couple months.

Doctorboogaloo said...

What's changed lately? And is it physiological as well as emotional, eg. are you exhausted? Do you sleep poorly... or not at all? Do you feel like starting a fight or staying in bed all day (two sides of the same coin, by the way.) Suicidal thoughts? If someone you trust asks you a simple question about your well-being, do you want to cry?
Son, I've lived with depression all my adult life. We can be great actors -- for a while. If any of this stuff sounds familiar, see a doctor. Fall and winter can be especially dangerous. But there's a ton of help available.

jo(e) said...

(o)

secret agent woman said...

Well, you know my bias - go talk it over with a therapist. Seriously.

jo(e) said...

Thinking of you ....