Monday, October 25, 2010

Selected Entries: October, 2003

When I first started this blog, what were then termed Journals Sections were supposed to be posted every week. I soon figured out that there was a lot more to talk about. That being said, glimpses of my past can help construct my present, and I feel that they are a valuable part of the site.

In October of 2003, exactly seven years ago, I was fifteen years old and in one of the happiest periods of my life.

Some of that happiness was illusory; my escape from the truly awful conditions of Dirty Town two years earlier moved me to overlook or downplay difficulties that I faced in Beautiful Town, such as bullying and regular domestic abuse.

There were also several catalysts of latent unhappiness that I did not recognize.

My unacknowledged homosexuality was a constant hindrance, a source of awkwardness and uncertainty that effectively crippled my social life. This was made all the worse, particularly in retrospect, by the fact that I was extremely pretty at that age but also totally unaware of it. Whenever I did notice the male attention directed my way, I found it repulsive and traumatizing.

The knowledge that I was at the height of my beauty while in a state of closeted chastity would later be a source of endless torment.

October 4, 2003

Powell scared us all to death on Thursday the second of October.

Thomas and I had already been home for about ten or fifteen minutes when he came home and went upstairs in a foul temperament. Assuming that he was just in one of his regular moods, I paid no heed to it, only to comment sourly that he was in another stupid disposition and that he’d take it out on everyone else.

Mom arrived home. To my great surprise, she and my father will actually be paying for my class ring. The one that I picked out is a celestial silver with a centerpiece diamond, my birthstone. It costs about five hundred dollars.

Mom said that instead of the diamond, which would add to the ring’s cost, she is going to get me the cubic zirconium, but I disagreed. I only get one class ring, and I want it to be special. I want my actual birthstone, not some cheap imitation.

Anyway, Powell was ranting and raving upstairs, so I decided to see what was the matter. I walked upstairs and asked him what was wrong.

He just yelled angrily, “Go away!”

I was within instants of saying, “What’s the matter, did someone give you an IQ test?” but I didn't. That’s when I heard Mom asking him what had happened. Powell was crying hysterically; he could remember almost nothing of the past week, and he was sincerely convinced that it was Monday. His pupils were dilated and for several minutes we thought that somebody had slipped him drugs. I privately thought that he might have taken some willingly, but even if he had, now certainly wasn’t the time to be angry with him. He needed help. Naturally, he was terrified.

He was continually asking what was happening to him. My father took him to the emergency room, just after a visit from First Twin and Second Twin relieved us all considerably. Powell had been wrestling with a boy out front and had hit his head on the concrete. He had a mild concussion! He wasn’t on drugs at all! We were so happy.

Well, we obviously weren’t too happy, because Powell had suffered a concussion, but happy all the same. It was when I learned who he had been wrestling with that rage boiled within me. The boy who had thrown Powell to the ground was none other than Annoying Boy. Never mind that now, though. It does have a happy ending, and I’ll go into that tomorrow.

October 13, 2003

Now approaches the glorious winter.

October 14, 2003

I’ve been invited to a girl named Lauren’s party. I don’t know her too well; I sit with her at lunch every other day, but she said I should come. She and Lacrosse Boy are good friends.

October 23, 2003

Last night was one of fury and indignation. Powell and I were send to bed by Mom at eight-thirty p.m. (approximately) for not getting Thomas a towel and for playing on Mom and Dad’s bed (the same thing that Thomas regularly does). We were, and rightly, too, extremely angry. We have agreed that the System is making a stand. We are already operating under Code Red. I have reconciled with Mom and Dad, but Powell is being unfairly punished tonight for forgetting to take out some trash from the yard.

October 27, 2003

I hate my body. I’m tall and gangly and awkward. I never appreciated the elegance of my own form until it mutated into something ugly.

October 30, 2003

I am so relieved!!! My best-case scenario came true! I have a 4.0! I received As in all of my classes except Geometry, in which I got B-. The grade had been a 89.4% (I scored only a 52% on the midterm), but my teacher said that she had rounded the grade to a B- because I tried so hard. She said, “Well, you earned it.” She can be pretty awesome sometimes. I was delighted when my chorus teacher told me that I’d earned an A in her class. I got, to my euphoric shock, a 93% on my Biology midterm. I got a 94% on the Business Law midterm.


Anonymously Me said...

I enjoyed this post.

laura b. said...

What strikes me the most is the entry where you speak of how you never appreciated the elegance of your own form until it mutated into something ugly. Now, looking back, you say you were at the height of your beauty. Makes me wonder if you'll realize 7 years from now how beauituful were were (are) at 22.

secret agent woman said...

15. Such an awkward time. I wonder if there are many teens out there who truly love their bodies?