Friday, September 9, 2011


It's time for another round of confessions:

  • I was once beautiful, and retain prettiness without retaining the white-hot gorgeousness of my peak.
  • I feel a strange kinship with Britney Spears. She, too, peaked early and high. She, too, shaved her head in a moment of madness. I was at least as desperate in October 2006 as she was in February 2007.
  • I shaved my head first, in case that needs to be clarified.
  • I am getting worse.
  • My paranoia increases with every day. I am so unstable.
  • I am drunk. This may seem to indicate inconstancy on my part, but in fact it indicates truth; were I sober, I would not be able to reveal the extent to which mental illness has devastated me.
  • A part of me retains logic, even as the rest of me slowly degrades. It is rather strange to know how irrational my moments of mania are even as I experience them. I'm gone.
  • I want to kill myself constantly.
  • I have gotten help. Does it help? No.
  • None of you know me. So I am free to die. You can't report me at all. BB is free to go crazy.
  • I have determined to live through this semester for some arbitrary reason that even I can barely identify anymore.
  • My former beauty is a constant torture. I was a god, a beacon of sexual triumph. Goodness, I was so gorgeous. How could I not have known? I was an icon and a giant. I was unsurpassed. The men who lusted for me were right to. How could I not have acted? I hate my younger self for his chastity. I hate him. I HATE him.
  • I am practically anorexic in my attempts to achieve that beauty once more.
  • The scale can entirely determine how I feel about myself. At 140 I'm a worthless pig. At 120 I'm a laudable object.
  • I am a worthless pig. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me.
  • Why is food such a crutch? I'd rather walk crippled.
  • In retrospect, I was always going to arrive at this point. Mommy and Daddy and everyone made sure. They made sure. Those bastards.
  • It's all reaching critical mass. Can't you see?
  • I think about going to law school in terms of "if I live that long."
  • When I drink I forget and remember at the same time.
  • I'm the only one who can save myself. I'm still debating whether I want to.
  • I'll starve to be beautiful. Absolutely.
  • Sushi and a sandwich is enough for a day, right? It will be.
  • Mommy and Daddy are irrelevant but will always remain relevant. Why didn't they love me?
  • They did this. If I had my revenge it would be by beating them with bloody fists.
  • I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I'm not okay.
  • I have friends now, unlike before. Remember back in 2008? I wrote all those crazy poems. But I'm still loony now, even though I have friends.
  • This just goes back to the fact that, beyond a certain point, it was always going to happen.
  • Tomorrow is my junk-food day. I will eat so much, and feel so good, but at the same time I'll hate myself.
  • I went from 146lbs to 122lbs before and I can do it again. I don't care if I fucking die. Death is better than fatness.
  • I can't imagine 146lbs. I want to heckle that fat, 17-year-old BB, who even then was past his short-lived but incredible peak.
  • I hate myself for my weight. I want to punch myself.
  • Fuck Jeff. Fuck him. He rejected me like everyone else. What makes her so fucking special? Didn't I work my ass off for you? Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • She's a stupid bitch.
  • She's better than me. Like everyone else.
  • I don't know what to do. I feel I've betrayed Jesus.


jo(e) said...

Ah, BB.

So much painful stuff behind your words.

Just me said...

Jesus forgives.

Anonymously Me said...

If the help you got didn't help, then get different help. Know that you're not alone. I had some of the same thoughts last year, the part about how if I killed myself no one on here would know, and they couldn't stop me. We just have to keep going, James, no matter how much it sucks. It won't be like this forever. You have to believe that.

Anonymous said...

Being overweight, you write some things that I feel...except the sushi part...I tend to just keep overeating instead of starving.

I don't have unbiased things to say here...I'm not a fan of therapy after my own experiences of it not helping (and yes, I got different help and different help and no luck). I hope you keep writing. I can relate to some of this more than I'd care to say at times.-RL

BrightenedBoy said...

RL: I alternate between heavily overeating and then severely restricting my food intake. I don't ever actually starve myself, but I sometimes eat much more or much less than I should.

laura b. said...

Dear BB,
I do hope that you will continue to search for the right kind of help for yourself. Be an advocate for the BB you know you can be. Take care of him and make sure he gets where he's going.
And sweetheart, I hope that something inside of you can move beyond the idea that physical perfection is what attracts love. It attracts attention and that feels good...but YOU are what will attract love. I've never been a beautiful woman, but I have been and am loved.
Take care of yourself.
Your friend,

Arizaphale said...

That laura b! She's GOOD.