It's been nearly a month since my last blog post, and I figured I'd post a general update. A recent letter to a correspondent of mine covers all the points nicely.
February 21, 2014
Friend,
I’ll have to begin with an apology for
my lack of correspondence; looking back, I realize my last letter to you was
from July 2013. In my defense, a lot happened in the interim, and I suppose in
retrospect surviving a suicide attempt created a bit more of an emotional
health to-do than I anticipated.
It’s been a rough few months, a period
in which I’ve slid from one pit to another and remained in a seemingly
inalterable state of flux. I jump in my mind from possibility to possibility
and nothing, it feels, ever really happens.
It’s a funny thing, what disaster can
do to a person. You sort of find that your core qualities, those things that
made you you, begin to slip, and then
one day you turn around to see the roof in shambles and the pillars that once
held it up—for me temperance, studiousness, religious faith, and
optimism—dissolved.
Up until 2012 I was a genuinely sunny person,
despite what I can—not immodestly—say were a number of difficult challenges:
childhood abuse and illness, financial distress in college, and other things.
You’ve had your share of knocks as well, so I’m sure you know how it is.
But what should have been an inevitable
time bomb never went off; I graduated high school, entered university, and got
through school a happy and well-adjusted person in spite of the chaos around
me. It was only after graduation that the things comprising my identity started
to erode. Persistent unemployment in the face of tremendous effort left me
apathetic, and in time rendered me immoderate where before I had been
controlled (in eating, in drinking, in leisure, in everything), uncaring where
before I had been attentive, plagued with doubt where before I had been devout,
and cynical where before I had seen possibility. Two years of this finally
culminated in the suicide attempt last October, and led to a sort of lethargy
that prevailed after that for several months up until very recently.
I’ve determined, after seeing in myself
someone I neither liked nor recognized, to attempt a recovery of those
qualities that once made for so salutary an existence. In that vein, I am
resolved to drink and eat less, exercise more, and, in what you will likely
find the most worthy of mockery, return to the faith that bolstered me through
my adolescence and early adulthood.
People who know me have often found my
Christianity to be the most incongruous thing about my character, seeing as how
I’m both a flaming liberal and a flaming, well, flamer, but I’ve never really
been able to conceive of a universe without a creator, and have always been
drawn inextricably to Christ despite coming from a mostly irreligious family.
I’m not sure how to explain it. It’s just what makes the most sense to me, and
somewhere in my heart of hearts it’s what I’ve always known to be true. Given
your level of wit, I fully expect some amount of lampooning when you manage to
write me back. If you fail at this I will be very disappointed in you.
You’ll notice that we’ve moved,
actually to a really splendid house that you’ll almost certainly be unable to
visit—my parents are going away in April but have expressed a reluctance to let
me have anyone over. Even if you come, you’ll have to be content knowing that
the most spirited thing you’ll have will be the pleasure of my company; my
mother has forbidden us to consume any alcohol while here because of the whole
suicide-by-wine thing. I think they have it in their heads that if I get drunk
enough I’ll try again. That betrays something of a lack of understanding as to
what actually caused the situation, but as their hearts are for once in the
right place I’m happy to abide by it.
You’ll be glad to know that our
relationship is substantially better. Who would’ve thought that the experience
of my nearly dying would prove unnerving? In any event, it did, and they’ve
been much less dickish since they came close to losing me.
My rent, for instance, is kept at a
much-lower $250 a month, and in general they’ve just been more concerned about
me and solicitous as to my welfare. To be honest, I really needed it; when I
first came back I was something of a wreck, and in that state I just wasn’t fit
to do much of anything. I think I needed a time to mourn and self-pity and
mope. I’m only now, with renewed faith and a renewed spiritual structure,
beginning to pull out of that. Time really can be a lovely thing every now and
again.
As far as professional pursuits go,
I’ve jettisoned the internship in Marble City in favor of a public relations class at Mountain University. I was very afraid when I first made this decision that I’d
done the wrong thing, but I’ve now come to the conclusion it was absolutely
right; I am done working for free on vague promises of jobs that never
materialize. I went to college. I paid my dues. I acquired a skill-set. And
damn it, I am worth a fucking salary.
I have recently done a little poking
around on that front, at least where public relations is concerned, but don’t
want to write you about it until something materializes. At the moment I’m
writing for the newspaper and editing manuscripts with plans to enter a
teacher-certification program this summer if nothing comes up before then. And
I really hope something comes up before then, because the course is two years
long and would almost certainly require me to continue living at home while
working and taking a full class load. I’m so ready to be done with this
nonsense.
So how goes everything on your end?
You’ve been in your new job for a bit now and have a place of your own, right?
You’ll have to tell me everything—give me a book! And I won’t drop off the face
of the earth this time, I promise. Let’s see about another in-person meet-up in
the spring?
Hoping to hear from you soon.
BB
